Catching Thoughts

Yesterday afternoon as I briskly walked from the city center to my apartment a thought about D. floated into my head.

“I’m going to hear from him. I don’t know when, but I know it will be soon and when I least expect it.”

The last time I had a thought like this, was when I was getting over the Albanian. At that time I was angry because I felt that he was creeping into my head because he was not letting me go, and he was thinking of me. Several days later I heard from him.

This time the thought about D. quickly floated out of my head. I did not dwell on it and I was not even thinking about him after.

When I arrived home I decided to chill. I caught up on some shows via the Web. I snuggled under a down-feathered blanket and propped my laptop on my belly so that I could rest while watching.

In between a download, I refreshed my e-mail page. There it was. Under the “from” was his full name. It was so unexpected that I had to blink before I believed it.

I did not know what to do. I wanted to read it, but then I did not want to read. So I did what I did the last time I received messages from an ex who angrily swore he had no feelings for me, fell of the face of the earth (basically in my mind he was dead), and then suddenly came back to life — I called my Russian friend in NYC, Yelena.

Yelena always keeps it real. She has a deep intuition and feeling about people and life, and her cynicism brings my head out of the clouds, yet she shares my hope and faith in love. Her life guidelines usually begin with “In my country we have a saying . . . ”

Whenever a married man shows a slight interest in me she says “ . . . a wife is like a wall, she can be moved.”

Whenever I talk about finding someone she says “ . . . it is important that two people are looking in the same direction, not into each others eyes.”

After the beach trip with D. she told me things that I did not want to hear, but I knew she was right. “He is not free Natalie. Let him go.”

And I did. But every time I cancel him, he comes back.

I told her how I thought about him for a second today.

“You know feelings and thoughts flow, so you caught his thought,” she said.

We read the message.

My first reaction to the letter was anger. I do not believe in keeping in touch with an ex, especially if I was emotionally involved with the person.

“What the fuck is this, now that he is leaving Florence, he wants to see me. Where has he been for the past three months,” I cried to Yelena.

“It is like he has something to close with you. You have closed things, but maybe he has not,” she said. “Don’t cry. Did I tell you that my belly dance teacher died?”

She always tells me that her 80-year-old dance instructor — who looked 50 and danced like a star — passed away at the worst possible time. It never fits into the conversation, so hearing it always makes me laugh through my tears.

The tone of the letter was friendly. “We are not friends, why is he writing like we are friends,” I asked her for clarity.

“He is trying to be breezy. What are you going to do? You do not have to meet him.” Then there was silence that Yelena broke with a sharp judgment.

“What a fucking idiot.”

She continued on with her advice. “What is he going to tell you, that now that he is leaving he has feelings for you, like what are you going to do with these words,” she said in here signature Russian accent.

“You know I cannot, not see him and we do not know what he wants or what he is going to say,” I said

“Why. Why do you have to see him?”

Even though she pushed me to think about it, I knew I did not have to explain why I would eventually have to respond and meet him.

I am angry and upset that he did not just leave. I was happy not knowing anything about him or his life. I also feel that he is just writing me so that he can leave Florence on good terms.

I feel that when men act this way it is selfish. They should let a woman move on. But I know I will have to write him back soon, and I know I will have to see him. I am just too upset to write him back now.

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Beginnings
The Turn Off
Deleting